Beyond Rivalry

DOT Creates New Lane For Reckless Drivers:

"'We made sure to interview a broad spectrum of dangerously incompetent and inconsiderate pricks,' said [Secretary of Transportation Mary] Peters, who stressed that the DOT sent questionnaires exclusively to drivers who have had five or more accidents in as many years or have been issued at least three 100-mph-plus speeding tickets in the last six months, as well as all members of the Corvette Club of America. 'Their feedback was invaluable -- so much so that we hired many to drive test sections of the highway. Several of those drivers will have sections of the new lanes named after them in memoriam.'" 

Report: 6 Out Of 10 Americans Cannot Locate Payless Shoes On A Mall Map :

"'In a modern, mall-going society, these important life skills should be second nature to citizens of all ages,' [Secretary of Education Margaret] Spellings said. 'No schoolchild should be allowed to grow up ignorant of the varied chain stores around him.' Despite her frustration, Spellings said she wasn't surprised by the poor test results, and claimed that they signaled a larger cultural illiteracy trend. According to Spellings, over the last decade Americans have fallen off in almost every field of study and endeavor, from mall geography to television history to basic text-message reading and writing."

And, related:

Victim Of Mall Shooting Determined Not To Die In Yankee Candle:

"'I remember thinking "This is it, I'm going to die,"' the 34-year-old contractor said from his bed at Buffalo General Hospital, where he is still under observation after sustaining three gunshot wounds, including one that left a bullet lodged in his spine. Then I looked around at where I was and told myself there was no way in hell I was going to let them find me curled up behind a floor display of Midnight Jasmine Housewarmer jar candles.'

"'How could this happen to me?' Mull added. 'I'm never anywhere near Yankee Candle.'

"Much of Mull's desperate plight was captured on mall security cameras. In the grainy footage, he can be seen inching his way slowly over the blood-slicked floors and past the contorted bodies of other victims before collapsing unconscious in the entrance of The Sharper Image."